This is going to be my final post for a while. It's hard to share your thoughts and feelings when you can't get a handle on them yourself. I'm mainly lonely and sad. And no one wants to hear about that.
My sweet friend Tommy, who I have to add I've never actually met in person, sent this song to me to make me feel better. Apparently, I'm bringing the facebook peeps down too. Who knew? Anyway...It's a sweet little song. And I think a fitting adieu. Because quite frankly, it says all I've actually ever wanted. I always seem to get on the brink, and then I drive people away. It's what I do. Maybe I expect too much, and give too little. I don't know.
And well, that's just sad. Cause the girls got some sweet ass moves. Just sayin...
I'm missing my sweet BFF. Living far away from people you love is for SUCKS!!! So anyway...here's some songs to make Mrs. Cleo feel better. And stop missing me so much.
Go buy yourself some knock off sunglasses and drive around in your mini van. You'll feel better.
Oh and one last thing... I've already been humiliated on the interweb, so what the hell.
As you may remember Mrs. Cleo did a special list post a few weeks back. And as lovely as that was I have been feeling the need to do a 'pre' special list post. You know for the leading up to the special list. Yeah...you get it.
Now Cleo and I, although we overlap on occasion, have very different tastes in music. She is more left of center where I am more all over the spectrum. So, there will not be any Cure on my list. Ever. Not that they aren't lovely. I just think of them more of a shoot yourself in the head sort of band, then getting it on with your lover. But that's just me.
Anyway...this post is about the romance. The candle lit bubble baths, and slow dancing under the stars, and cuddling in the dark, and stolen kisses, and daisies on the pillow. That one may be just me. Now, I'm not gonna lie I'm a hard girl. I like a good hair pulling like 80% of the time. But the other 20%, when I occasionally remember that I have a softer side, It's nice to be made to feel special. Being so close to someone that you feel like you're one, breathing in unison, feeling heart beats. Nice.
Hey guys, not to barge in but I found this today and I thought you might like it. I dont know how I have remained ignorant of its existence for so long.
Its the same thing twice. A live version so we can look at Regina and Ben and a studio version so we can hear them better.
This is an old song, but it's so great! I love it!
I think one of the reasons I love it so much is because this album came out right around the time I met the beautiful future Mr. Cleo. I distinctly remember getting ready for a date on a sunny and hot Saturday afternoon early in our relationship and this song came on and I was smitten. In fact, if I remember correctly (and I always do...) it was a double date with Gingie. We went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse and had a stimulating and quite lively discussion regarding Nikki French's version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart".
I don't really know what to say in this post. Maybe I'll just delete it before anyone even has the chance to look at it.
I usually stay upbeat and happy. I am an optimistic person. I am a hopeful person. I love people, and I love life. I really enjoy music and having fun.
But lately I don't get to have as much fun as I need. I don't even think I have laughed at all today. Or yesterday.... In fact, it's been a while...
When I feel this way, my comfort is music. I have learned that before I can really be happy, I have to feel the emotion that has overcome me. If it's sadness, so be it. I turn on really sad music and let me self feel sad. I light some candles and take a hot shower. I find that the shower is a lovely place to cry- no one bothers you. You're already wet. Your tears are washed away as fast as they slide down your cheek.
Here's something most people do not know about me-
I have only been dumped once.
Once was enough for me.
I had plenty of boyfriends, but I never got emotionally attached to them and dropped them like acid when they became boring. I didn't respect most guys because they were so shallow and just plain dumb. The one time I let my guard down and thought I could love someone, I found out from a friend that had I gotten in an accident and messed up my face, it would have been all over. He was not who I thought he was at all. He didn't care about me. I was nothing to him but arm candy. All the sweet nothings that were whispered into my ear were lies. This haunted me for a really long time.
I guess you could say I deserved it. I was fairly calloused and I had previously believed that the boys I spent time with were ultimately not worthy of me.
Right around the time that my fragile, pure heart was being trampled, an album was released that had a song on it that touched me so deeply I will never forget the exact moment I heard it for the first time...
Robert Smith shared my pain. He spoke the words that I choked on. He got me through a difficult time in my life. The break-up wasn't the only thing going on that was distressing me... My entire world was in an upheaval that I could not fathom. I had no control. I was nothing.
Now when I hear this song I no longer think of that stupid boy who was completely undeserving of my tears. He is nothing to me. It's a perfect song for those melancholy evenings when nothing seems to be going right and you just want to hang your head in defeat, if only for a few minutes.
Knowing that there was another soul on this planet who had felt pain like me and could actually voice it was a comfort beyond belief. The haunting melody still wraps around me like a down comforter.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this, no matter where we are,or what language we speak, even if we are physically alone, we can find constant companionship in beautifully written words sung over beautiful and melodious music.
My homeboy has done it again. I will admit that I don't usually really get into the whole ninja thing, (Although I am QUITE ninja, myself- in case you weren't aware) I thought the video was entertaining. He is just so damn cute. Even battered and broken, his smile lights his whole face up.
I am of course, eternally grateful for Charlize. Clearly, she saved his life.
I'm a strong girl. I do things alone. A lot. I don't burden my friends with my issues. I just deal with them. I always assumed that I was doing people a favor for being like this. Giving them room to breath and deal with the things going on in their own lives. But, it has been brought to my attention a lot lately that people who are closest to me find this terribly annoying. Bordering on offensive. I let the walls down just enough to give them a peek at the wreckage inside then put them right back up again. And leave them feeling stressed and helpless.
Well, I have decided to make a concerted effort to let people in. To let the walls come all the way down and say this is who I am and I can't do this alone. To learn to love again. It scares me a lot. I don't do vulnerable. It goes against everything I am. But, being strong all the time hasn't really been working out for me. I'm tired. I'm ready to feel fulfilled again. I know this means that I need to make some changes in my life. Let go of some old vices. And be willing to open myself up and embrace the things that are good in my life now. No matter how frightening they may be.
Some things are worth the risk. So, here's to today...
This song makes me super happy Eliza. Put it on the play list. Then when you feel blue play it loud. And lots of times. This is my way of "hugging it out" from 3000 miles away. Enjoy....
