Tuesday, July 13, 2010

How I'm Feelin'.... Cleo style

I don't really know what to say in this post. Maybe I'll just delete it before anyone even has the chance to look at it.

I usually stay upbeat and happy. I am an optimistic person. I am a hopeful person. I love people, and I love life. I really enjoy music and having fun.

But lately I don't get to have as much fun as I need. I don't even think I have laughed at all today. Or yesterday.... In fact, it's been a while...

When I feel this way, my comfort is music. I have learned that before I can really be happy, I have to feel the emotion that has overcome me. If it's sadness, so be it. I turn on really sad music and let me self feel sad. I light some candles and take a hot shower. I find that the shower is a lovely place to cry- no one bothers you. You're already wet. Your tears are washed away as fast as they slide down your cheek.

Here's something most people do not know about me-

I have only been dumped once.

Once was enough for me.

I had plenty of boyfriends, but I never got emotionally attached to them and dropped them like acid when they became boring. I didn't respect most guys because they were so shallow and just plain dumb. The one time I let my guard down and thought I could love someone, I found out from a friend that had I gotten in an accident and messed up my face, it would have been all over. He was not who I thought he was at all. He didn't care about me. I was nothing to him but arm candy. All the sweet nothings that were whispered into my ear were lies. This haunted me for a really long time.

I guess you could say I deserved it. I was fairly calloused and I had previously believed that the boys I spent time with were ultimately not worthy of me.

Right around the time that my fragile, pure heart was being trampled, an album was released that had a song on it that touched me so deeply I will never forget the exact moment I heard it for the first time...

Robert Smith shared my pain. He spoke the words that I choked on. He got me through a difficult time in my life. The break-up wasn't the only thing going on that was distressing me... My entire world was in an upheaval that I could not fathom. I had no control. I was nothing.

Now when I hear this song I no longer think of that stupid boy who was completely undeserving of my tears. He is nothing to me. It's a perfect song for those melancholy evenings when nothing seems to be going right and you just want to hang your head in defeat, if only for a few minutes.

Knowing that there was another soul on this planet who had felt pain like me and could actually voice it was a comfort beyond belief. The haunting melody still wraps around me like a down comforter.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this, no matter where we are,or what language we speak, even if we are physically alone, we can find constant companionship in beautifully written words sung over beautiful and melodious music.

It's a good feeling to know you're not alone.

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